All it really takes is some guts.

I had an emotional breakdown this week.

I know you're all shocked.

I'm usually so calm and level headed.

I blame it on a combination of the awesome end-of-pregnancy symtoms: I have constant heartburn which feels like I am a fat kid living in an all you can eat pizza buffet, even if all I've eaten today is a graham cracker. And by the way, although they do follow every meal, TUMs do NOT count as a dessert! I am completely exhausted all the time including when I wake up from my 10+ hours of sleep each morning and despite my daily after work naps. I'm pretty sure I could sleep for the next 4 weeks straight until the baby is here and be totally fine with it. And nesting? That's a bunch of crap. The only reason I am cleaning/organizing/rearranging every corner of my house is because I have to distract myself from thinking of every single thing that could possibly go wrong between now and November 19. Thank you nursing school for making me aware of so many options for complications. Those window tracks? Oh yeah those for sure need to be scrubbed since our house has been built a full 5 months now and they must be completely filthy at this point. And the weight gain. The other day while I was grocery shopping a girl walked past me in a pair of jeans I own {in my previous size} and I literally had to hold on to the cart for dear life to make sure I didn't attack her. What will I wear today? Leggings.... and a tent. Oooh but which color tent! ... this is such fun. Nine months is a freaking. long. time. people. But I'm pretty sure that God designed it that way because not until you have lived this for nine months would you ever in your right mind say, "Oh, you want me to push a full sized Watermelon out of there? Yes please! I'd love to!" But I think what really sent me over the edge was all the mothering advice. I swear if I hear one more thing about cloth diapers, exclusive breast feeding, making my own baby food, Baby Wise, and hypnobirthing techniques I will vomit all kinds of chemical free environmentally friendly "green" granola into the nearest recycling bin.

See?
 I told you.
Emotional breakdown.

So I cried and my husband told me its okay that I am insane because I have a million hormones running through my body and I can't help it. And I believed him because it made me feel better. And then I made a huge Orange Julius which seems to cure just about everything from what I can tell.

Okay, honestly I've had an awesome pregnancy. I have never been sick, I've been able to work full time, and my baby is healthy and happily kicking away as week speak.

I'm just getting scared.

So I decided to get some advice from some of my favorite Mamas who I consider to be experts. They've got 20 kids between the three of them. TWENTY!

First, my sister-in-law Sarah. And you know what her advice was? "You're going to be a great mom. You're so good with kids. I can't wait to meet him."

And my own mom of course. When I told her about the book I was reading about "baby-proofing my marriage" and all the other blogs and books full of mothering theories I have been scouring she said: "Its good information to have I guess. But its just not that hard. You will figure everything out as you go and everything will be fine."

And then there's my Grandma Hutchinson. She doesn't give advice. She just speaks in little riddles and stories. Like the time I was helping her make dinner and I didn't reach my hand inside the cheese grater to make sure I had scraped out every last shard of cheddar. She just looked at it and said, "You know, a woman can throw more money out the backdoor with a teaspoon than her husband can bring in the front door with a shovel." She was right about that. She has been my instructor for every crafty thing I have ever done, I swear the woman was Pinterest before it existed.We have been spending a lot of time together throughout this pregnancy so I have been constantly peppering her with questions. When she was teaching me how to reupholster the rocking chair for the nursery she put down her scissors, looked me in the eye and said "Don't be so exact about it, Kamille. All it really takes is some guts." And you know, I'm pretty sure she was not just talking about the rocking chair.

So no, I don't have an exact birth plan written out, nor do I know which baby monitor in Consumers Report is associated with the lowest risk of SIDS. But I do know where to go when I need real help and advice. And I'm already in love with the little man inside me. And I feel like that's half the battle. And hopefully, in the end, I'll turn out something like this:

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with grass stains on my shoes from mowing Sister Schenck's lawn. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someones garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived." 
-Marjorie Pay Hinckley



Comments

  1. Hang in there! I am pretty sure I wrote a post exactly like this when I was pregnant too. Just take some time for yourself and treat yourself!

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  2. I'm coming to treat you too!! Love you and baby Winston!!!

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  3. I am by myself in my kitchen reading this, and I seriously laughed out loud for at least a good 30 seconds! I had a similar break down just a few weeks ago! Let me tell you, it's normal to be scared! I was with Brock and I'm even more scared for this 2nd one!
    I've also received a lot of advice and I've finally had to take it all with a grain of salt because not all advice works for every kid! But I promise, you'll figure it all out one day at a time! Good luck! I'm so excited for you!

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  4. Well it is about time you had a break down! haha jk. Totally normal though.
    I know your sick of advice, but all I wanted to say is to do what works best for you and DONT feel guilty about anything you decide to do. I have pretty much done the opposite of what the "natural" world expects and I felt guilty about it, but it is what worked best for me AND for my kids.
    Oh, and zantac (target brand=cheaper) worked A LITTLE better than tums for me. Stupid heartburn!

    Good luck with everything. You are going to be a great mom! I am so excited for you and your husband.

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