Toddler Terrorist

So recently I signed up the The Skimm* (a 5 minute news update in your inbox every morning on domestic as well as international events). I've never been great at keeping up with current events but this little gem has dramatically improved my knowledge- from a 0 to at least a 2 on a scale of 10. In the struggle to keep straight all the chaos of who's who and what's what in the Middle East I thought it would be helpful to make it somehow relate-able to my personal life.... And the following politically incorrect satire was the result. Oh and just in case you're new here... Keep in mind that I actually adore my children and being their SAHM is my dream come true. But some things are just funny.

10 reasons why mommy-ing a two year old is kind of like living under a terrorist regime and also might make you better equipped for negotiating foreign policy than some of our elected officials. 

1. You know how and when to speak in code.

Some things are simply Sensitive subjects. You can't just throw words around like "Park" and "treat" without experiencing serious consequences. As a mom, you know touchy topics must be approached with caution, and if they absolutely must be discussed in the presence of "the authorities", key words must be spelled out, abbreviated, or replaced entirely. And you've cringed more than once when a less experienced rebel has carelessly spoken a word such as "movie" for which you paid the price.

2. Bribes and Threats are a part of your daily life. 
Phrases like "if you spray the outlet with your water bottle then I will take it away." And " I'll give you some fruit snacks if you get in the running stroller" are another normal part of your vocabulary.

3. Nothing is personal or private.

Oh you need to pee? That's fine they'll come and watch and try to assist in any way possible. The drawer you have for THAT stuff? It's still not high enough and they will raid it and use the contents as toys, probably right when someone rings your doorbell. Perhaps someone should take a two year old over to Hilary Clinton's house... Just a thought.

4. There is propaganda plastered all over your walls.

There are religious images, encouraging quotes, and frozen-in-time moments of your children looking adorable covering every available surface. This is to remind you to remain level headed when you catch said child scratching a pair of scissors across your desktop computer screen. Jesus is watching.

5. You can survive without things most people consider a necessity.

Lunch? Shower? Luxuries you can only afford at nap time, if then.

6. You know all the appropriate pledges and anthems by heart and quote them on demand.

"Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and Red Letter Day must be recited verbatim at least once a day. And don't you think you can skip ahead a few pages because you WILL get caught and have to begin again.

7. Crossing the border is tricky business.

Oh so you want to take a trip outside? That's nice. You can't just "go" to the grocery store. This takes preparation. People must be fed, bathed, diapered, dressed, combed, re-diapered, re-fed, snacks packed, car seats buckled, and probably bribed and threatened all before you can even attempt to cross the threshold of the driveway.

8. You know how to navigate a disaster area.

Land mines are everywhere and more than once you have stumbled over that shoe/teddy bear/baby swing attachment to nurse your crying infant in the middle of the night. You know that when stepped on unexpectedly, matchbox cars hurt slightly less than Legos but slightly more than play food and can adjust accordingly.

 9.You live under outrageous laws.

For example: The Law of the Banana- if a banana is to be eaten, it must be peeled half way, the top half of the fruit broken off and placed in said snacker's right hand, then peeled the rest of the way and the second half of the fruit placed in said snacker's left hand. If a banana is peeled or cut in any other form or manner, it must be disposed of immediately as it clearly will no longer taste like a banana.

10. Riots may ensue at any given moment.

Even if you follow every law to the T, a riot will break out when you're least expecting it. Probably in a public area when you are at the exact furthest point from any available exit. These riots are unpredictable and must be allowed to run their course so it's best to avoid eye contact with other diplomats as you attempt to extinguish the flames. Luckily a survivor of a previous toddler terrorist regime will occasionally offer assistance, even if it's just an encouraging smile.


Keep calm and mommy on.


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* I've added The Skimm to my list of essentials because I really do think it's a genius idea. Someone else reads through the hundreds of headlines and articles and gives me a to the point synopsis of the important stuff. Plus I don't have to hear every different spin on the story depending on what channel I'm watching because they claim to read across party lines. So far, I find that's generally true but they definitely lean left on social issues so if you decide to subscribe, read with a cautious eye and call them out on it when they deserve it. At least that's my plan anyway.

Comments

  1. Stop it. I neeeeeed this printed out. It's hilarious and to a T precisely what my day is filled with. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stop it. I neeeeeed this printed out. It's hilarious and to a T precisely what my day is filled with. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I re-posted this. I hope that's ok. You're amazing. :) I hope it goes viral.

    ReplyDelete

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