Dirty Little Secrets

Last week, I made a deal with Evan that if I let him get his bike tuned up then he would have to write a blog post. I felt like our blog is such a one-sided depiction of our lives, its only fair that he should have his side of the story known right? Give him a chance to defend himself? So his bike is currently at Bingham Cyclery with the best mechanic in town, and now its time for him to pay up.

But then I started getting worried... I tell all his secrets all the time. Mostly because they are hilarious and people need to know these things about you if you seriously answer your cell phone by saying "This is Him." no matter who is calling, or if every time you make the bed you yell "SHAM!!" at the top of your lungs because you don't understand what it means ( a pillow sham... you know, the big nice pillows that just look pretty and you don't sleep on them? boys don't get that.)

So I thought I'd better let you in on a few secrets of my own before he gets to roam free all over this blog and totally rats me out. For example, he might tell you that I think its acceptable to swear. Okay? I said it. Now before you get all up in arms about that, let me explain. While that's not entirely false, I do not make a habit of cursing like a sailor. My parents raised me right! But you're all liars if you don't admit that sometimes its just necessary. I personally feel that if it is really strategically placed and exceptionally funny, then it doesn't actually count as real swearing. Its just funny. And I'm 93% sure President Monson is on board with me on this one. However, you can't just be an idiot missing half of your vocabulary or scrambling for substitutes to fill in your sentences to get away with this trick. You've got to be smart about it. Keeping that in mind, once or twice a year... "what the crap" just doesn't cut it you know? That's all I'm saying.

 Or maybe he'll tell you about how I can not stay awake in movies. It's a disease actually. And if you don't know that about me we either A) are not really friends... or B) have never watched a movie together. In the past two years that Evan and I  have been cuddling through movies I have stayed awake for approximately 10 movies total. Out of roughly 150. Sometimes, I purposefully go to sleep. You can only take so many explosives you know? And then its all just a blur of fire and car/body parts. Ew. But most the time I fight really hard. Evan loves movies and I love Evan so by definition I should stay up and watch with him. But come on, once you get those leg twitches and the head nod... its just not worth the fight. I'm warm, I'm wrapped up in a blanket and the man I love... do I really care whether they make it out of The Grid virtual reality and back to real life in New York? No, as a matter of fact I do not. Good Night!

The only problem with this is, I'm not really an angel when I'm asleep. I can get mean. Or scandalous. A few months ago we had some friends over watching a movie and naturally I fell asleep about 45 minutes in to it. Evan and I were sharing the chair-and-a-half which can get a little cozy so I was really hot underneath all these layers I was wearing from our previous sledding trip. I just needed to take off my sweatshirt right? But apparently that's not all that came off. Oops. Hey I was obviously bored enough with the movie that I fell asleep, so maybe I was thinking I needed to spice things up a bit? I have no memory of it (convenient eh?). Sorry Kagan and Brooklyn!

And the only other thing I can think of that he might tell you is that I try on several hundreds of outfits a day before I walk out the door in what is hopefully a presentable ensemble. True fact: my mother has done most of my shopping for me my entire life. That should probably be embarrassing, but she's more fashionable than me. She has great taste, plus she gets some kind of adrenaline rush out of scoring great deals. I am a lazy shopper. I want to go in, buy what I want, pay them anything they ask, go home, and wear it. You want me to haggle prices? You want me to search for things? No ma'am I can't even search through my own closet. So generally all of my spring clothes will reside on the little white couch in our room during the spring so I can sort through them easily and when I try something on for three days in a row and decide not to wear it three days in a row I will save myself so much time by putting back on the couch rather than hanging it up again and again and again. Its all about efficiency people. So am I a hypocrite for asking Evan not to put his clean pile of clothes on the floor after I just folded them? Absolutely not. Its the floor. Mine are on the couch. Entirely different.

So there are my secrets for you. And with that I surrender control to my husband :) Can't wait to see what he has to say.


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  2. so so funny, i love this!!! and i totally agree with you on swearing ......... plus i think cheyenne rubs off on us a little bit when we're with her!

  3. Way to call me out, sarah. when I swear (which is way rarer than sarah accuses) it's
    A) necessary
    B) funny

    All of the components that Kamille has deemed necessary. :)

  4. I LOVE THIS!! Hahaha...this is completely true of you and I know this because I have experienced ALL OF IT! Kristen always taught me that it is only okay to swear if it's funny, so we follow that rule very closely. To find a good outfit you have to try on a million so that is obvious! You need your rest or you are mean like when you woke up to yell, "I HATE THAT VCR!!" and then instantly fell back asleep. It's weird so we'd rather have you sleeping. :) Sure love you and can't wait to read what Ev has to post too.

  5. It's strange how much we are alike! I was telling Garrett about your post--the swearing, the falling asleep during movies--ditto girlfriend. We even had a "talk" about how watching movies isn't fun with me if I'm just going to fall asleep 10 minutes into it. I disagree because I'm always enjoying myself! And yes, I swear too. I completely agree that sometimes swearing is perfectly acceptable--other words will not do the situation justice. :)
    Oh and I'm sooo glad you love the video on my blog, I'm also obsessed with it. It has seriously changed the way I'm living. I think I'm going to buy her book, It's just too good to pass up
    Love you!!!

  6. Hahaha as your Mom, I will attest to the fact that all of these secrets abouT you are true...ESP the one about being mean when you get woken up! Also I have learned not to trust your idea of a "good" movie, because you never really watch them! I loved the post...Dad did not...surprise...


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